Demons

 We all fight our demons. It's what makes us human. It shows we can fail and disappoint. Sometimes demons win. But sometimes you do. And sometimes it's too late. 

Voice

 I can't help but wonder...

I wonder where my thoughts go?

I wonder why my voice quivers?

I wonder why I'm so scared to speak up? 

I have done this a hundred times. Not spoken up when I should have.

But I didn't, just to hold on, just to hold onto peace. 

But is it really peace, when I've been silenced to not say anything? 

Is this why my throat hurts? 

Why won't you listen to what I have to say? 

Why won't you let me be?

A reminder

 You are an unpleasant memory and now you are my reminder. You are my reminder to be more cautious of the people I invest my time in. You're my reminder to see people as who they are and not who I want them to be. You are my reminder to fall in love with how people treat me and not with what they say to me. But if by chance I do fall again, you are my reminder that I can survive the worst. 

Soul

 Remember that it'll hurt your heart but it'll heal your soul.

You've done nothing wrong. You just bared it all.

If they didn't understand you or treated you badly, you are not to be blamed. 

And you should be glad that you got away from the person who nearly destroyed you.

They'll learn their lesson. They'll be sorry for being the one, who had no conscience to worry about hurting you and deceiving you. 

You were made to believe it was your fault.

But your intentions were pure. 

Dust off your knees and keep yourself secure. 

Your life is still more stable and better than theirs.

They will forever be a mess, in this world and the next. 

I, my, myself, I will

 I matter

My voice

My thoughts

My fun

My humour

My laughter

My thoughts

My photography

My messages

My face

My eyes

My being Me

I don't care what you think ir or say

I will not compare or compete

I will not bring myself down

I will go higher and higher.

Rules that I live by

 Self-care: 

Protecting your energy against people who threaten your sanity.

Turning off your phone.

Sleeping.

Minding your own business.

Making tough decisions because they are healthy for you. 

Creating space for things that bring you inner happiness.

Spending time away from people who drain you.

Experiencing things alone, instead of waiting for someone to join you. 

Knowing you can endure and survive much more than you can think you can. 

If it doesn't make you feel fabulous, don't wear it, don't eat it, don't buy it, don't keep it, don't do it. 

Rules that I live by. 

NYE

 A cup of tea

A pen

Some paper

A thought

A song

A glance at the time

A raindrop

A breeze

Leaves blowing

Air so crisp

Noise of traffic

Lost in thoughts

Yesterday, last night

Never again

Turn the page

A new day

Reflection

Betterment

New. 

2023

Sitting here thinking about the year gone. It had a different ring to it, 2023, 'the Year 2023'. Gains and losses. Beautiful friendships found this year, connections made from afar, and love lost. I haven't been myself for probably half of this year. At times, I thought the Universe wishes to kill me. But all it did was make me shift move, adjust. And I'm still alive. Still breathing. Still feeling. Still trying to find the blessings behind each hurdle. 

Unfair

Why is life so unfair to some? Why do some people have to try so hard to survive, and others do not because life is so easy for them? When do you get a break, get to take a breath and start over? When do your bottled up dreams get a chance to get aired, to see the light of day? When do those desires that you've packed away come up to be? How can it be that your life will end and you haven't done all that you wanted to? That's just unfair. Completely unfair. 

Eight hugs

Never stop searching for love every day, no matter where you are. I hope you receive love too.  Oh, and I hope you get a hug today. A real warm one, so tight that you'll be able to feel the other's heartbeat. 

Angels

 There are people who are with you in your lows. Then there are the ones who pretend to be your friend, but disappear when you need them the most. The latter aren't the angels who walk the earth.

That's okay

Sleeping is good right, just sleeping the day away. 

I'm not hiding from anyone or anything. 

I'm just sleeping.

And that's okay, right? 

Retreat

 At times being on platforms of social media is overloaded for the mind. You end up following people you don't really want to see. You are bombarded with their so-called perfectly staged lives and copycat behaviour. And you wish to retreat. You take a step back, to nature, and art and your inner self. You surround yourself with what you like: your plants, tea and colouring in. You commit to mindfulness when the mind can't take anymore. You don't want to be a part of the crowd. You're tired of that, and you retreat within. Because, in the end, nobody knows what you need, other than the person closest to you - your Self. 

Storm

The storm in her eyes.

The silence in her smile.

Did you see it? 

Christmas Day

A beautiful meal with loved ones, sitting around pulling bon-bons and telling corny jokes. That's what the day is about, being together, love and laughter.

Reel

 Aren't we lucky that the mind can play a reel? No edits, no filters, no music to add, but a beautiful reel of a memory. Likewise, an album in our head of photographs, moments that weren't captured on camera. The way everyone laughed that day, the way they looked, conversations that were had, the scent of food, the laughter - not photographed but in your mind. Beautiful ... And forever and ever. 

The end

How do you stop the pain? How does this all end? How does it end, tell me my friend? Tell me, that when I'm not talking anymore and I can't feel a thing, when I can't see anybody around me, how do I end this? 

How do people end their pain? 

Top left pocket

 Put it in your pocket. The top left one. That way you won't lose my heart, you'll take care of it. You'll know where it is. And every time you remember that, you'll place your hand over it and say "It's here. It's safe Elly".

Real

She doesn't want perfect.

She wants real. 

Nothing is ever perfect. 

Not you, not her, not this. 

So give her real and watch her love you more. 

Heartbeat

You are a home to someone. You are a heartbeat. 

Someone looks at you and it lights up their world. 

You're the Sun and the Moon and all the stars in the night sky.

Never ever think you're ordinary. 

Art

 She's art. 

A masterpiece.

And if you can't see that,

Well Mister, you don't belong in her circle. 

Hands

A bridge, a portal, an invisible wall.

Touch me, intertwined in your hold.

Fitting perfectly together.

In synchronicity and everything in between. 

Showing me what you say, is what you believe. 

Read her

 Let her be the book you can't put down. 

Read each of her pages, the meaning and depth within.

Understand her.   

Lip-reading

Have you ever been in the middle of the room, with voices and people all around you, but you are totally alone?

No one's talking to you. They don't even see you. 

You're just standing there, looking at their faces, lip-reading and seeing what they say. 

Empty words, pretending to laugh, loneliness in their minds and hearts. 

Heavy

She writes her own lines, her own poetry when she thinks of you. 

You don't even know how deep that is. 

Peace

My favourite thing in this whole world is you.

My favourite place to be is where you are.

Enough

 A friend today said something to me that left me a little lost for words. They said, "I'm sorry I didn't contact you much when your father passed away. I'm sorry I didn't message you".

Seriously, I wasn't expecting such words. I went silent for a moment but then responded that it didn't matter and I did not even think of it. 

Later, I was thinking again about my friend's words. It was enough for me that they said it. 

I was thinking about death and when a person suffers through grief and loss. It's a very strange time, in that immediate moment. You're numb and things are happening but you're not absorbing it, and you can't seem to recall much either, later. 

Truthfully, I can only recall a handful of faces that I remember seeing at Dad's funeral. I can only remember a few people's messages to me. Strangely, I do remember names of people who have not said anything to me to date; the ones who've known my father and I for ages. I'm still waiting for them to say something to me. I'm not sure why I'm expecting this from them, why am I waiting? I shouldn't be. 

Because people react oddly to someone's death. Some react immediately - hands on, active, and some stay away. For some, it's awkward, and some people are right there with you. We can't say what's the right way to act or react when it happens, we handle sad news and shock so differently from each other.

Keeping that in mind, I shouldn't be waiting for some to say words. As for this friend, I don't hold it against them.

Forever

Is this our forever? 

Please don't leave again. 

I don't think my heart could handle another break.  

I missed you, I really did. 

And I know you missed me too.

So if we both missed each other, doesn't that tell you something?

That we need to hold on, for forever's sake. 

Meant to be

 You have to have faith. 

You have to hold on. 

There is a force stronger than you can fathom that tells you in time, that what is pure in intention, will rise. 

Snow

"Did we feel the cold?"

"No". 

"Our hands were hugging. Our bodies were touching.

And we had each other".

Call me

What's the last thing you said to them before they went away? 

I said, "Call me!"

Threads

Pinky promises.

Soft whispers.

Not too much to say.

Stay close to me.

In my vicinity.

Don't go away. 

In my orbit. 

Spinning around. 

An invisible thread tied between us. 

A pull, a tug. 

This is our star.

This is Us.

Imperfections

You do not need to atone for being yourself.

Because there is no perfect situation and no perfect person. 

Everyone makes errors in life, some are just better at hiding them from the world. 

It is part of our nature to want, to desire, and to feel wanted, heard and loved. And when we receive attention, it feels good. 

And at that point in time, it feels just right. For that moment, you were happy. And that's allowed.

What isn't allowed is for you to bring yourself down now. What isn't allowed is constant bad talk against yourself. 

 What's done is done and has gone. Burnt to cinders, ashes blown in the wind. 

You've learnt from this and now you'll know better. It's changed you. You've realised and that's enough. 

No more atonement. 

Phoenix

We get caught up in whirlwinds. 

We don't realise it. 

And when we fall, we don't keep falling. 

There's an end... And

Then we rise.

Hush

 And the silence. The silence says it all. 

Love story

Some love stories are incomplete, but they are still stories. My gosh, they are. 

Survived

 If you have survived this year, in all your brokenness, your hurt, your fears and worries, in private...be grateful. You came out on top and you didn't need anyone. 

It'll be okay

Physical distance doesn't help when a friend is in need. 

You hope that your voice and words can envelope them in a hug. 

Because their world is crumbling before their eyes and you're trying to hold them together to be strong.

You're trying to tell them that after every darkness, there's a light that comes. The Sun will always rise. And even in the darkest night, the stars find a way to shine. 

Tea but not 'Chai tea'

 I believe (and this is my opinion, it doesn't have to be yours), the most comforting beverage in the world is a cup of tea. Taken first thing, drunk alone, slowly and contemplatively. 

Effort

 There's effort or there's an excuse. Whichever one they choose will tell you how much you mean to them. 

Gilgit

I lived for a year in Gilgit and had the pleasure of traveling the Northern Areas of Pakistan. I usually travelled by air on PIA between Rawalpindi and Gilgit with my one year old son.

I can still recall like it was yesterday, my frantic tightening of my seat belt over the both of us. Listening to the air steward rattle of an inaudible, nasal rendition of the 'Safar ki Dua'. I would panic in my heart thinking I really should learn the dua and recite my own version because I had no idea what the air steward was saying. 

The old PIA Sesna plane was noisy, too noisy, and it would shake and rattle on take off. Once in the sky, the plane made a noisy humming sound but it was what I would see outside that tiny airplane window that was absolutely breathtaking. 

Beneath me were the snow filled mountains that you would only see in pictures. The pilot would always announce the majestic nazara of Nanga Parbat. My eyes would trail the snow, ice and rocks beneath me. I did always think, 'What if we crashed? Right now. What would happen if this plane just fell? Nothing would be left of us on the snow and rocks below.'

The flights always used to boast well known people, but they would be just travelling home like my son and I. We would all tuck into our small food trays of a croissant with jam and a cup of tea. I looked forward to that. There was something delicious about airplane tea served in a plastic cup.  

And I also looked forward to landing. Gilgit airport had a single landing strip, and we passengers would applaud the Captain's landing skill when he would manoeuvre the Sesna on the landing strip. He would come down between two big mountains and land that noisy Sesna and we were home. The 'Safar ki dua' worked and the Captain's manouvering was outstanding.

Silence

When I tell you that I miss you.

When I tell you that I need you.

And when I say that I love you.

I don't want your silence.

Because your silence tells me I'm wrong, and that my feelings don't matter and that you don't love me. 

And that scares me. It scares me to death. 

Hi

 "Hi. I just called to say hi"

"Hi"

*Silence*

Not love

 It's not love when you've given all you have and they have given nothing. 

It's not love when you're the one waiting and they don't come. 

It's not love when you're constantly questioning where you stand in their circle and they don't bother to tell you. 

It's not love when you ask for the bare minimum and they still don't hear you. 

Nothing happens

There's no such thing.

Seeing a shooting star, manifesting from the universe, prayer, making a wish.

Nothing works. Nothing happens.

There's no such thing. 

Complete

Oh, everyone can love a rose.

But go love a leaf. 

Plain, ordinary and unnoticed, hidden behind the beauty of the flower. 

Go love a leaf.

And notice how the smallest of things are what make the picture complete. 

Heavy

Put it down. The tiredness, the heaviness. 

The brick tied to your heart.

The lead on your feet. 

Put it down. It's heavy. 

It's not yours to carry. 

Let it go to the water, to the air and the mountains. 

Let it circle above you and reach the stars. 

But it's not yours. 

No. 

Let it go. 

Ruby

 I don't want this anymore. I've had enough. 

I'm worth more than this. I thought you may have known that, but you haven't realised it.

Set me free and leave me alone. Let what is meant for me find me, be it happiness, peace, longing and love. 

If you've gone then why are still  standing in the way? 

Clouds

 I'll look up and see hearts in the sky. I know you won't though. You'll only see a mass of white cloud. Nothing. 

But the trick is to look with hope and wonder. To see something in everything. To look for a sign in everything. To question, "Are you there? Are you talking to me? Show me". 

And then you'll see. 

Sand

And there comes a day where it falls apart. Everything that was built over the years turns to sand slipping through your fingers. 

What was love once, has turned to indifference. When you needed them, they didn't come. They are occupied with their life. 

And you start to forget the special things, the years, the moments. 

You slowly let go of memories, and photos don't take you back anymore. 

You start to forget the colour of their eyes and how they took their tea. 

And the once golden sand is wet and cold. 

Walls

 It's been a quiet two days. I've been writing to you but you haven't responded. You're lost in your world, and the walls are high. I'm not going to scour those walls, hoping that you might let me in. No. I'll wait here, on this side. Quiet and patient, because I know that when you eventually miss me, you'll come. 

Damaged

 We are born perfect and pristine.

Over time, we wear and tear.

Damaged hearts and minds.

Souls blackened over time.

But we somehow survive,

And still stand...

Hoping that we will be accepted ...

As damaged as we are.