Elly Grey

We're so vulnerable when we like someone.  It's like we're saying, "I like you and I'm letting you in. Please don't break anything while you're here. Yes, I know it's soft and bruised but I hope you'll feel at home and stay for a while".

Stars in the sky.  I look up and try to see one fall but I never seem to catch one.  Why am I so adamant on seeing a falling star?  Well, I want to make a wish.  I want to wish for inner peace. I want to wish for love to be around me. I want to be comfortable in my light. 

 I've found that whenever I've shown my true feelings, it's been detrimental. Nobody understands your insecurities, other than you. I used to think that was sad but then I remembered, we all them, insecurities. And we're just going around trying to hide them from others. 

Lord... Let him write me love letters... Roses, no ... roses die. Letters last for centuries.

I know you'll never understand that and that's why I'll never tell you. 

 I have learnt to live my day without you.  You made it quite clear where I stood in your world. That is fine. I understand that now.  A paradigm shift.  It doesn't take long.  A detox. Recalibration. And we are ready to go again. 

No matter how many times you try to clip her wings, it won't let you destroy her brilliance. She's not born mediocre. Elle est magnifique. She may forget her self worth at times. She may doubt her feelings but after stumbling, she will fly again. Un ange né pour voler. 

I have so much to tell you,  But I can't find the words to say. I have recorded voice notes though, for days, But I'm not sure if I'll let you listen to them.  It was my way of talking to you When I had no energy to respond to your texts. 

He lit up my world.  Did he matter?  Yes he did.  Light matters.

 I got asked, what do I have against a certain day of the week? Mondays I ask? Yes. No... Mondays are quite sweet. It's the start to the week Then I asked why do I rant about the trains? It's nothing really...again. Zoned out with my music and phone, if I happen to see something funny or odd, I will write it down. I got quizzed at why am I angry at life? I am not. There is no such problem at all.  And if there happens to be a problem, it is small. Life is short and my aim is to bring comfort to my virtual friends.  Whether that be through posts, pics and statuses. It gives me warmth to know there's a smile on the other end.  Rest assured my friend. Some days may not be happy ones but they are good days in the end.

 And why is it when I don't respond to you, you chase me? 

Your words, however harsh they intended to be, do not define me.  What you said that day, showed me that you don't know me, you never knew me.  I bet you felt better after saying what you did?  I'm glad.  Because it only showed me who you really are.  And you can't clip my wings.

 I shouldn't apologise for loving you the way I did.  It was pure, from my heart and everything I had.  You just didn't get it. 

 It's strange how much a four legged furry family member brings you warmth. Yesterday, I asked my doggo to sit next to me, and she did. I told her "Frankie, Frankie... I'm sad Frankie. I'm really sad". She looked at me, like really looked at me. Her eyes showed me she knows. I kept petting her and she flopped her head into my lap. Dogs bring such comfort. It's amazing. They are so full of unconditional love. They can't say it to us but they are there, listening and loving. 

What lies within me right now is a story you'll never hear again. I don't have any words that come to respond to you. It's like, since that day, you've extinguished a light that shon in me. My light was doing no harm to you. All it did was love you. But it's no more. And now it's dark. 

 How does my heart feel tonight?  It's broken because it has let him go.  He... Who was my everything.  He... Who today said everything and anything that came onto his tongue He... Who is no more.  So how does my heart feel tonight?  Bruised. Broken. 

You feel pain, Because there are thorns. But don't forget the softness, Because, there are the petals...

Why should I hold on?  Because I still believe.  And why should I let go?  Because they do. 

 Always with my heart on my sleeve.  When I talk about things, I get tears in my eyes.  My whole life, I've been called 'too sensitive'.  But I'd rather feel everything than feel nothing.  I'd rather look at the world with love.

 It's been a tough 7 months for my mother after Dad's passing. I don't think there's never been a time where I have talked about Dad and she looked at his photo on the wall and cried. And yet, she picked up her broken heart and went on day by day.  My mother is the epitome of strength to me. From the stories Dad would tell us of her being his young bride stepping into a life in England, he told us how he built her confidence to interact with society and she bloomed. I'm in awe of that. To move to Australia with me, a baby less than one year old, navigate building a new life, and going onto having three more children, looking after our schooling and well-being, running her own business for 25 years, still managing a beautiful, warm, welcoming home. Always smiling, accommodating, cooking... cooking more, cooking anyone's favourite food when she knew they were coming over, packing food for Pakistani students (the students remember this gesture forever), having an ...

 The greatest thing I have become in this short life, is a Mother. It has taught me to adore, to love completely, to guide, to teach, to nurture, to comfort, to give, to be there, to be firm, to be open, to encourage. I'm honoured to be the mother of my boys and I'm glad I was chosen to be their Mum. 

I can't draw nor can I paint.  But I can colour.  So when my skies are grey, And my path is dark. I throw colours into the wind, To light my path. 

 Just keep colouring Kid. Use those colours. Colours bring joy to our otherwise mundane worlds. 

And sometimes we turn those pages We finish those chapters And we put down the book.  #notalovestoryanymore

Breathing in sync with his heartbeat. Moving to the rhythm of his chest. Being held tightly and not a care in the world, I slept.

 There's an invisible circle that goes around me.  Stay with me.  Stay in my world. Can't you hear me when my words aren't reaching my lips?  Can't you see me?  I'm yearning for you?  You've become deaf to my voice so even if I call out to you, you won't turn around and you won't stay.  It saddens me that what we once shared is no more.  But for once, just stop,  turn around  and look at me. 

A new book and a new page to turn. Let's make it better and best.  Enough of the self-pity and sorrow. Enough of others putting voices in my head about what they think I am.  I am me. I am strong.  I can face anything and handle anything.  I love myself and I am enough.  I do not need anyone. I am enough on my own. 

 He told me I'm not his cup of tea.  Makes sense...he doesn't drink tea.

The smell of fresh linen, a scented candle of teak, oud and neroli combined, fresh Autumn mornings just after the rain, humid Summer evenings with the waft of Raat ki Rani, plucking a rose and knowing it'll smell like a rose should, Spring days near the Ocean, fairy lights in the garden and chasing a yellow Moon.

 So then I'll pull away too and this friendship will die a slow death. There'll be less conversation, less talking and less laughter. Small joys won't be shared.  It'll be over soon.  Close your eyes Elly,  It won't hurt this time. 

 I will not allow sadness, insecurity and pain come into my heart.  I will make sure I'm financially secure and my health is good.  I will ensure that I'm safe.  I deserve the best. I deserve happiness and love.  I deserve love. 

 When someone says to you "Have a nice life" after arguing with you, remove them from your life and then really have a nice life. You are your own scriptwriter, your own architect and your own manifestor. Destroy when needed, rebuild when necessary. 

 "What's this?" "A downpour of stars. A constellation, a galaxy".  "Just for me?" "Well I don't see anyone else looking like a star tonight". 

Sometimes the only way I can talk to you is in silence. That's when you'll hear the most.