Kiss Me

When words fall short,

And an action means more. 

Kiss me then

And I'll know. 

Elation

 To experience elation. 

To experience flight of the soul. 

To touch the wind.

To experience bliss.

To feel raindrops on my tongue.

To quench the thirst that lies within.

To be free and happy, because it's my  way of living. 

Gentleness

 Gentleness in this world is all we ask for. That when a person knows what affects you, what may hurt you but never uses it against you. 

Him

 I think about him all day. 

I miss him. 

Kambakht. 

Little Big Things

The little things are big things: 

Waking up when the sun rises and watching the sun set. Why? Because you'll witness the most amazing colours and light and be in awe of it all. 

Those long car drives, playing your favourite songs, belting out each hit like you are live on stage. Why? Because singing expands your lungs and throws your voice out and you feel super happy, even if you aren't a good singer. 

Being around the people who love you, making you understand that you aren't alone in this world. Why? Because we all need people especially the ones you love. It makes you smile and feel so warm, fuzzy.

Being grateful each day for what you have because you've earned it. Why? Because gratefulness keeps you grounded and humble.

Go. Live.

Tea for One

 I know you don't drink tea, but I'd love to sit with you over one. You can have something else while I drink from my cup. I'll savour each sip and peep at you over the rim, when you would be talking about something. I'll take my time, sipping slowly, just so the moments are prolonged. And then I'd fill my cup again and start over again...enjoying my tea and you, with me. 

Mental health

 I will not be a victim.

I will not allow you to make me think I'm crazy or that I'm the problem. 

My entire life I've known men who did that to me. They tried to make me think I was crazy, just because I called them out. But not this time. No way. 

My sanity, my heart, my mind, my breath and my health is way too important to me. I will not let your mistake ruin me. 

Yes, but what I will do is drop you a notch, and not allow you in my intimate circle. I will not allow you near me again or allow you to hurt me. 

Men are all the same. Insecure, self-centred, privileged asses. They can do what they want. They can walk out, walk away and point fingers. 

But not now. Not anymore.

 Nothing trumps my mental and physical health. 

You can do what you want. I really don't care. You just don't have access to me anymore. Simple. Because you lost it. 

Khwaish

 All she wanted was for you to say that she was important to you.

And that you loved her.

Heart

 It hurts, it beats, it expands, it contracts. It houses your loved ones in its four walls. It cries, it aches, it flies when it's in love. It's crazy how it is what you listen to, when your mind is at war. It's guarded, it's open. It stops, it starts...so...how's your heart? 

Putty

Maybe it isn't about being in love. 

Maybe it's just that they fill the holes in your soul with soft, malleable putty. 

Mhm. 

That's it. 

Putty.

Calm

 

He's my peace. 

Everything seems better with him in it. My mind, my heart, my nervous system, is calm when he's around. 

And that's a wonderful thing. 

Arrival

 I love the Arrivals terminal at the airport. I see happy faces, embraces. Kisses and hugs and I think of how I'm going to run to you when you walk out of there one day. I will want you to scoop me up in your arms and bury your face in my hair and for that moment, everything will spin in slow motion around us, sounds will be muffled and we won't care. I will hear your heartbeat and I'll breathe you in and be at peace. 

Safe space

 Does he know that I'd take his pain and hold it away from him, just to make sure he's not hurting? 

Does he know I'm his safe space,

And that I'd listen? 

Does he know that? 

Hindsight

What is behind this door, we do not know. 

However, what is before it, we must master. 

A step ahead and two steps back is still progress. 

We learn from obstacles and hindrances with hindsight. 

Red

 I used to wonder what time it is where you are. I would wonder what you would be doing right then.

But I realised that this thinking and feeling was all one sided and that I wasn't important to you.

So I finished my glass of red and placed the thought of you to rest in my head.

Attachment

 She knows that one day he'll leave. But she knows her heart won't break.

How can you break an already broken thing?

And she will keep herself safe from the loneliness and abandonment. 

She'll nurture her heart and tell it, this is the price it pays for attachment.

Time

 To say, time will heal, it won't. To say, "Be strong, remain patient", these are just words, but they do not mask pain. But know that I am thinking of you. And one day, I'll sit with you and we will talk and you can tell me about your burden. But not now. When you are ready, then.

Secrets and Lies

We carry secrets all our life.We are secretive about what we adore, who we love, what we really like, what turns us on, what we wish for, and what we hate. We are so caught up in our secretive worlds in our minds and we are cowards. Cowards, because we won't say it, we never will. And then we wonder why doesn't anyone truly know us? And why are we lonely? We lie to ourselves about being happy, when we are not. We pretend to show life is in control, and it isn't. We are afraid to be real and vulnerable. We are cowards. 

Bokeh

Black and white, bokeh.

You are what I love to see.

In this world that lacks lustre.

You are what I wish to see.

A classic touch.

A little blurred.

Nothing straight or true. 

Captured but slightly off,

A twist.

You. 

How's your heart?

 We all want to be heard. 

We want someone to ask how we are.

We get tired of being the one staying in touch.

Constantly keeping up. 

We want to be paid attention to.

We want someone to say how important we are.

That's not asking for much. 

And it's not very hard. 

Just someone to look at us and say, 

"How's your heart?"

Pomegranate

"Why do I remind you of a pomegranate? Remind me again..."

"I told you yesterday. Now you're just wanting compliments"

"Does it matter if I am?! Go on, tell me"

"Your fingernails painted red are like pomegranate arils. The nose pin you wear is a shiny ruby. Your skin is smooth, I love to touch it. Your lips are a lustrous red and I drink the nectar from them, tart and sweet...enough?"

"More, drink me more"

Pathjhad

 Arm in arm, we walked on this path. 

You looked ahead, while I looked down. 

You asked me what I was doing and I told you, that I was careful not to step on Autumn leaves. 

You asked why, and I said to you, that each leaf was a living thing, giving so much of itself, and now it's come to the end of it's life. Now it lies, still in beauty, at our feet. The last thing we should do is step on it. 

You shook your head and told me I think too much. 

I shook my head and told you to watch your step. 

I don't miss...

 "Do you miss me?" 

"I don't miss anyone anymore".

"Why?"

"Because, whoever I loved, I did with my soul and they left. They didn't miss me. 

So I do not miss anyone. 

...Anymore".

Warm feelings

 He's in my thoughts and I'm in his.

And that's all that matters. 

Comfortable in our little world of warm feelings. 

Nothing else matters. 

A Tale of Two

 "I love this time with you".

 "Yea, because you're not the one carrying the weight".

"Am I heavy? A burden? Too much?".

"No... You are not enough. I cannot get enough".

Build love

 You build Love. You work hard to create your comfort and the love that you want. Love isn't a magical bean that when found, grows into a lustrous enigma. No, it requires hard work, compromise, growth, sacrifice, tears, anger, misunderstanding, learning and coming together again. 

See Me

 Why is it so difficult for him to notice me? I'm right here in front of him but he'll notice the other girl who is a little more. Am I that plain? That invisible, that he looks right through me? I don't know how much more I need to be, for him to see Me...

My name

 I love the way he says my name. It sounds different coming from him. Loving, deliberate, affectionate and caring.

The moment

 Social media apps are strange. Half of what you see is real. Half people don't show. 

We choose what to show. 

We will choose the nice, the aesthetic, making an extra effort to make it look good to others, to get approval of some sort. 

We live for likes and acceptable, heartwarming comments. 

But how much of it is soul nourishing and really enjoyable for you? 

Are we so caught up in the moment, thinking, "I need to take a photo or video of this, to post it to my socials!", rather than be in the moment immersing in the feeling of just being there? 

Don't you think we just need to be there? Be in the moment?  

By all means, share things, share as much as you want ... But don't forget to be in the moment.

Autographs

Don't forget today that you are enough. 

Don't be hard on yourself and remember that you are human and we all try do our best, even if it never gets noticed. Try to do what you do, day by day. 

 You don't need to get noticed for your efforts but the fact you've made progress, however small or big. It's still progress.

Now go out and be uber awesome today.

Be famous for it (even if it's in your own head). 

Hand out autographs.

Haunted

 She tightened her grip around his arm and rested her head on his shoulder. 

"Don't let go of me, ok?", she said.

"I won't and you know that. Why even say it?"

"Because I get insecure. Anything I have touched with my heart, anything that I have loved with my life, has left me. They left, when I thought they'd never. I am insecure about being abandoned".

He looked at her and she had tears in her eyes. "Hey, come on now. We aren't going to ruin this moment, this time together with this talk and your salty waterfall of tears". 

"I'm sorry. I know. It scares me though, that I could love you more than life itself but leave you before you leave me. That scares me. It haunts me. Whoever did this to me, haunts me still". 

12.20am

It's past midnight and I've woken from sleep. Actually it was a sudden storm that woke me up. Gail force winds howling and rain. I tried to go back to bed but couldn't. I realised I am hungry so now I'm eating a bowl of porridge. It's such warm, milky comfort food. Reminds me Goldilocks and why she did try all three bowls of porridge. Even the name 'porridge' sounds nice, rather than saying 'rolled oats' (sounds like horse's feed). Two spoonfuls left, I think, and I'll try to sleep again. 

Lights out. 

12.26am

Self love

 My dear, wise friend Christiana said this to me today; "Love yourself Elly. Love yourself. Otherwise life will pass you by".

No chance

 She wanted the sky.

She wanted shooting stars.

What chance did you have anyway

With your mediocrity? 

For her it's always wanting the extraordinary.

You had no chance.

Wings

 Some days my shoulders are so heavy from things that weigh me down.

I droop and feel like sleeping forever. 

And then I remember that I also have wings. 

And those things will help me soar.

Come home

 When it all ends and night falls

When the boats come back to the shore...

When I know I cannot take anymore...

He leaves the light on for me. Saying to me "Come here Baby.

Come home."

Like vs Love

 I hope you are with someone you like. Love is another concept. That's different. Liking someone, that's harder to upkeep and maintain. So yes, I hope in this world, you are with the person you like. It does make life so much more bearable. And the next time you are with them, let them know. Say, "I really like you". Watch their face change. Then say "Elly told me to say that to you, but it's true. I really do like you". 

Shelf-life

 How we trivialise life. 

We believe we are going to live forever. We do not realise we walk a timeline.

Take time out and tell people what they mean to you.

Go see those places you have always wanted to see.

Life is short. Heartbeats have a shelf-life. 

Love openly. Live happily and use your words and thoughts generously.

Your Worth

Be the greatest version of yourself. Be the most awesomest that you can be. 

Screw following the crowd. You were never meant to be a part of anything common.

Always keep your standards high and your head above the clouds. 

 Know your name, it's meaning and your worth. 

If they try to bring you down tell them you have a head full of dreams and a heart full of love. 

And anything less than that is too shallow for you. 

Shinzo

 "Look at the clouds Shinzō. Can you see them dance?"

"I do not see what you see Akira. I don't waste time in such useless things.' 

"Oh Shinzō, we all see things. I see it in colour and you see it in black and white. I see shapes and you see lines." 

"Yes. Useless, coloured shapes! "

"No!Beautiful black and white, poetic lines!"

Lava

 "There you go again. Have you noticed that you bring her name up in every conversation?"

"I do not!"

"Yes you do!. What is it? Infatuation?"

"No... Please..."

"I admire that"

"What?"

"Pure worship. Her name. The way it flows from your mouth like molten lava"

Poetess

 If she writes about you, she loves you. She is thinking about you, linking you to the beauty she sees around her. Her surroundings and the magical play of words coming together, for you, form her poetry. 

Warrior

 He's my warrior.

The one who has conquered my heart. 

Little things

I love how he comes to me, knowing that I'm not feeling good. He tries to make me laugh and be lighthearted. He makes me smile and open up and knows that I'll feel better. It's the littlest things that he does that I love. 

Elephant Days

 The days I'm quiet, I need you to bug me a bit more. I need you to keep asking questions, I need you to say "Is it Elephant Day?". Because it's on those days, my storms are in, the days are unsettled and I don't feel like talking to anyone. It's on my Elephant Days, I need you more. 

Dumb

 I don't have the words yet.

They'll come.

And then I'll talk to you.

But right now, no I can't.

Because there's no words to describe what's happened to me.

Words can't say what I'm feeling. And even if I try to say something, it sounds foolish.

It's better to remain quiet. 

Stuck

 "I'm not free".

"I wish you were".

Free

 It's better to be the person you are and want to be, rather than what others expect you to be. You may irritate a few, they won't like it, because you're not fitting in their convenient mould but the sooner you realise that your peace and happiness is paramount, you'll be free. 

Halfway

 "Just meet me half way?"

"I can't"

 When you can't trust them with your heart anymore.

Heart

 A symphony of stops and starts.

A beautiful beat.

A rhythmic art.

Telling a story of longings and aparts...

My beating heart.

My beating heart.

Fragrance

 I have him around me. His fragrance, his feel. 

His big strong arms holding me tight. 

My head on his chest. I can hear his heartbeat. Him holding me through the night.