Gone

Going from a place that was full of love and life, to rooms that echo, I craved for that company again. But it wasn't coming back. Life had shifted and there was no return. 

Of course I miss them. I miss each and every one of them. I miss the chatter around the dinner table. I miss the togetherness of everyone at the end of the day. I wish I had stopped a little, and savoured the moment. I wish I could have known back then, that this was going to end and it will never come back. I would have hugged them a little harder. Looked at them a little longer. Taken them in. Absorbed the moment. And I would have said "Please stay."

Scar

What happens to skin when you cut it? It heals. What happens when you cut that same spot again. It heals, but it toughens. That's right. She doesn't feel the pain now. You can't hurt her anymore. 

Detached

I am so proud of myself. I think I've healed parts of me that were wounded. Today, I didn't get affected by what once would cause me anxiety. Today, I noticed it, but took it in my stride. I surprised myself, actually, at the detachment I felt. Have I healed? Am I okay now? Stronger? Better? Is this what it feels like to finally let go?  I hope so. 

Longing

 We aren't going to survive the night. 

Our heartbeats are too erratic. 

Know this though, 

When the longing was so pure,

You were the one. 

Sentimental

 The piece of cloth you gave her, a fragrance, a painting of you both, an envelope with your handwriting on it, she has kept it, and kept it away from harm. Because when someone special gives you something, it marks sacredness, uniqueness and a forever. They are now in a box marked with your name. Nobody is allowed to touch it or see it. It's because you're important to her and everything she connects with you is important to her. 

  

6

I saw a photo where I am 6 yrs old. I'm sitting in it next to my Dadaji. 

I am looking at my face, my eyes, my smile and my posture. 

This little girl only knew how to laugh and play. She had no idea what turns in life would occur, who she would meet, marry, how many children she would have, what career path she'd take or how her heart would be broken again and again.

I look at her and I think, I owe her love and life. I owe her happiness. I owe her peace.

And that's what I  will do. 

It humbles me to know that my years ahead are much less in number than what I have behind me. 

And there's not much time left. 

To be sad, to be asking for something and not receiving it, to beg for bare minimum decency, is not right. This little girl wouldn't understand that.

 At 6yrs old, she spoke fluent Pothwari. She'd probably laugh and kick my ass right now. 

I owe her life. 

Heartbreak

 Heartbreak feels like your heart is going to come out of your chest.

Heartbreak is when you sob at night, but no sound comes out.

Heartbreak feels like when you hear that song, you remember the exact date, day and time and that special person, but now, you can't listen to that song anymore.

Heartbreak feels like recalling every word, everything they said and trying to work out if they meant it, and then trying to figure out how, why and when did things change.

Heartbreak feels like it is you alone in the world and although you have people around you, nobody knows what you are going through.