Birthday

 Each year, I write something about myself and my life, on my birthday. I write about lessons learnt in the year gone. I write about what I hope will come. 

So what have I learnt in the past year? 

I have learnt that peace is important. A calm life is a prize. I have won in life when I am still, but the world keeps turning and people come and go. 

There are things I can influence and there are things that I need to let go of. I have learnt that I will love people deeply and that love may not be reciprocated and that is okay because it doesn't mean that my love diminishes. Love goes on.

I have learnt that the biggest revelations will come to me when I have stopped sobbing. Tears just aren't the secret to clear skin. They clear the eyes and they definitely clear the mind.

I have learnt that at this age, I don't need to chase the promotion or the bigger pay packet but focus on my well-being instead. 

And I have learnt that those who are across the miles, online, people who I've never met in life, can be vital in connections to my life, more than I can ever imagine.

I have realised that my bad days are a part of my good life.

I have realised that I have lived three quarters of my life and the days ahead of me are less now than what are behind me. I have a limited number of winters to experience and I want to love each, single one.

I have learnt this year that if I invest in my health, I invest into my 80s.

And I'm looking forward to meeting her.

Life

 If I allow it to embrace me, it will. Gently, and reassuringly. 

Floating together

We have storms happening inside us and we will still smile. Nobody knows our reality, because everyone has their own reality. Nobody's life is smooth sailing and perfect. We are all the same. Happy, sometimes sad, floating together, heads above water, the best way can, through this thing called Life.

Missed

 Just wanted to say this before I sleep; we've said our goodbyes  but there hasn't been a day that has gone where I've not wanted to tell you something, there isn't a moment that I've not wanted to share something with you, there isn't a time that I didn't miss you.

Forever

 If I have loved you once, 

I will hold that love for you forever. 

You may have annoyed me. You may have broken my heart.

I may not talk to you again, but I will hold love in me, forever. 

And you will not understand that. Nobody will but it is how I am.

Because when I see you, I see again, the first time that I saw you.  I recall what you first said to me. I know every love letter by heart, every word you said. I hear your laughter, and I hear your frustrations too and I know then, that love, real love, cannot die. 

It does not. 

His

 I just want to call you Darling. Let me.

Cigarette

 Come here Darling, with me. 

Together, let's kill each other. 

Inhale, exhale. 

Ecstasy. 

Silence

There was so much to talk about, still so much to say. Hours would go by touching topic after topic. And now when you ask me of how I am, I have no words to say. Where do all those words go? I have nothing to tell you. Nothing to say.

Home

 You don't know when your home will be taken from you. I am not talking about the four walls and the roof. 

I am talking about what is in it. 

I am not talking about the contents. 

I am talking about the warmth, the love, the noise within. 

Protect that with everything you've got.

Disregard

Need vs choose. I don't need you. I choose you. I hold that power. Not you.

Lovers

 "Do you ever think this all ends? That we die, get buried and some other pair of lovers take our place? We've heard about the end coming from the beginning of time but it has never happened."

"Well, that's a good thing then, because it means you and I will go on forever."

Life

 

And when he said to me "I'd give you the Moon, cool and calm to hold in your lap", I laughed in his face and said "Get me the Sun. Let it burn me, and burn you and let's see if we survive. What's the Moon? So small and white. Bring me life, bring me the Sun"

Winter

 My favourite tree is now mostly bare. Winter has set in. And I wait for the excitement of seeing new buds in Spring. 

North

 You not being there for me taught me what love wasn't. I found my own way. 

I'm my own North Star.

Gone

Going from a place that was full of love and life, to rooms that echo, I craved for that company again. But it wasn't coming back. Life had shifted and there was no return. 

Of course I miss them. I miss each and every one of them. I miss the chatter around the dinner table. I miss the togetherness of everyone at the end of the day. I wish I had stopped a little, and savoured the moment. I wish I could have known back then, that this was going to end and it will never come back. I would have hugged them a little harder. Looked at them a little longer. Taken them in. Absorbed the moment. And I would have said "Please stay."

Scar

What happens to skin when you cut it? It heals. What happens when you cut that same spot again. It heals, but it toughens. That's right. She doesn't feel the pain now. You can't hurt her anymore. 

Detached

I am so proud of myself. I think I've healed parts of me that were wounded. Today, I didn't get affected by what once would cause me anxiety. Today, I noticed it, but took it in my stride. I surprised myself, actually, at the detachment I felt. Have I healed? Am I okay now? Stronger? Better? Is this what it feels like to finally let go?  I hope so. 

Longing

 We aren't going to survive the night. 

Our heartbeats are too erratic. 

Know this though, 

When the longing was so pure,

You were the one. 

Sentimental

 The piece of cloth you gave her, a fragrance, a painting of you both, an envelope with your handwriting on it, she has kept it, and kept it away from harm. Because when someone special gives you something, it marks sacredness, uniqueness and a forever. They are now in a box marked with your name. Nobody is allowed to touch it or see it. It's because you're important to her and everything she connects with you is important to her.