Stay

We're so vulnerable when we like someone. 

It's like we're saying, "I like you and I'm letting you in. Please don't break anything while you're here. Yes, I know it's soft and bruised but I hope you'll feel at home and stay for a while".

Stars

Stars in the sky. 

I look up and try to see one fall but I never seem to catch one. 

Why am I so adamant on seeing a falling star? 

Well, I want to make a wish. 

I want to wish for inner peace. I want to wish for love to be around me. I want to be comfortable in my light. 

Insecurities

 I've found that whenever I've shown my true feelings, it's been detrimental. Nobody understands your insecurities, other than you. I used to think that was sad but then I remembered, we all them, insecurities. And we're just going around trying to hide them from others. 

Forever

Lord... Let him write me love letters...

Roses, no ... roses die.

Letters last for centuries.

Silence

I know you'll never understand that and that's why I'll never tell you. 

Paradigm shift

 I have learnt to live my day without you. 

You made it quite clear where I stood in your world.

That is fine. I understand that now. 

A paradigm shift. 

It doesn't take long. 

A detox. Recalibration.

And we are ready to go again. 

Un ange né pour voler.

No matter how many times you try to clip her wings, it won't let you destroy her brilliance. She's not born mediocre. Elle est magnifique. She may forget her self worth at times. She may doubt her feelings but after stumbling, she will fly again. Un ange né pour voler. 

VNs

I have so much to tell you, 

But I can't find the words to say.

I have recorded voice notes though, for days,

But I'm not sure if I'll let you listen to them. 

It was my way of talking to you

When I had no energy to respond to your texts. 

Fairy lights

He lit up my world. 

Did he matter? 

Yes he did. 

Light matters.

Mondays

 I got asked, what do I have against a certain day of the week?

Mondays I ask?

Yes.

No... Mondays are quite sweet.

It's the start to the week

Then I asked why do I rant about the trains?

It's nothing really...again.

Zoned out with my music and phone, if I happen to see something funny or odd, I will write it down.

I got quizzed at why am I angry at life?

I am not. There is no such problem at all. 

And if there happens to be a problem, it is small.

Life is short and my aim is to bring comfort to my virtual friends. 

Whether that be through posts, pics and statuses. It gives me warmth to know there's a smile on the other end. 

Rest assured my friend.

Some days may not be happy ones but they are good days in the end.

Chase

 And why is it when I don't respond to you, you chase me? 

Wings

Your words, however harsh they intended to be, do not define me. 

What you said that day, showed me that you don't know me, you never knew me. 

I bet you felt better after saying what you did? 

I'm glad. 

Because it only showed me who you really are. 

And you can't clip my wings.

Pure

 I shouldn't apologise for loving you the way I did. 

It was pure, from my heart and everything I had. 

You just didn't get it. 

Frankie

 It's strange how much a four legged furry family member brings you warmth. Yesterday, I asked my doggo to sit next me, and she did. I told her "Frankie, Frankie... I'm sad Frankie. I'm really sad". She looked at me, like really looked at me. Her eyes showed me she knows. I kept petting her and she flopped her head into my lap. Dogs bring such comfort. It's amazing. They are so full of unconditional love. They can't say it to us but they are there, listening and loving. 

Dark

What lies within me right now is a story you'll never hear again. I don't have any words that come to respond to you. It's like, since that day, you've extinguished a light that shon in me. My light was doing no harm to you. All it did was love you. But it's no more. And now it's dark. 

Broken

 How does my heart feel tonight? 

It's broken because it has let him go. 

He... Who was my everything. 

He... Who today said everything and anything that came onto his tongue

He... Who is no more. 

So how does my heart feel tonight? 

Bruised.

Broken. 

Petals

You feel pain,

Because there are thorns.

But don't forget the softness,

Because, there are the petals...

Autumn leaves

Why should I hold on? 

Because I still believe. 

And why should I let go? 

Because they do. 

Heart on my sleeve

 Always with my heart on my sleeve. 

When I talk about things, I get tears in my eyes. 

My whole life, I've been called 'too sensitive'. 

But I'd rather feel everything than feel nothing. 

I'd rather look at the world with love.

Mother's Day

 It's been a tough 7 months for my mother after Dad's passing. I don't think there's never been a time where I have talked about Dad and she looked at his photo on the wall and cried. And yet, she picked up her broken heart and went on day by day.  My mother is the epitome of strength to me. From the stories Dad would tell us of her being his young bride stepping into a life in England, he told us how he built her confidence to interact with society and she bloomed. I'm in awe of that. To move to Australia with me, a baby less than one year old, navigate building a new life, and going onto having three more children, looking after our schooling and well-being, running her own business for 25 years, still managing a beautiful, warm, welcoming home. Always smiling, accommodating, cooking... cooking more, cooking anyone's favourite food when she knew they were coming over, packing food for Pakistani students (the students remember this gesture forever), having an active social circle, and in these later years being Dad's fulltime carer. I saw it all. 

I saw her tiredness and frustrations but she still went on. When I'd mention more carers for Dad, she wouldn't have a bar of it. 

And now it's her turn. Her turn to rest and take a breather. My mother is everything to us 4. We don't say it enough or show it enough and we have this one day that comes up in May to create a tribute. 

When I think of posts that say 'Name something your Mother taught you?' I'm usually lost for words because what hasn't she taught me? She's the strongest, most confident, most intelligent, most resourceful and most loving woman I know. If I'm anything today, it's because of her. My efficiency, my tidiness, my skill at running my home, my knowledge on cooking pilau, or knowing how to make gulab jamun, perfect butter cake and ras malai (just by watching her do it over the years), is because of her. We are nothing without her. 

Mother

 The greatest thing I have become in this short life, is a Mother. It has taught me to adore, to love completely, to guide, to teach, to nurture, to comfort, to give, to be there, to be firm, to be open, to encourage. I'm honoured to be the mother of my boys and I'm glad I was chosen to be their Mum. 

Between the lines

I can't draw nor can I paint. 

But I can colour. 

So when my skies are grey,

And my path is dark.

I throw colours into the wind,

To light my path. 

Coloured pencils

 Just keep colouring Kid. Use those colours. Colours bring joy to our otherwise mundane worlds. 

Not a love story anymore

And sometimes we turn those pages

We finish those chapters

And we put down the book. 

#notalovestoryanymore

I slept

Breathing in sync with his heartbeat. Moving to the rhythm of his chest. Being held tightly and not a care in the world, I slept.

Stay

 There's an invisible circle that goes around me. 

Stay with me. 

Stay in my world.

Can't you hear me when my words aren't reaching my lips? 

Can't you see me? 

I'm yearning for you? 

You've become deaf to my voice so even if I call out to you, you won't turn around and you won't stay. 

It saddens me that what we once shared is no more. 

But for once,

just stop, 

turn around 

and look at me. 

Better and best

A new book and a new page to turn. Let's make it better and best. 

Enough of the self-pity and sorrow.

Enough of others putting voices in my head about what they think I am. 

I am me. I am strong. 

I can face anything and handle anything. 

I love myself and I am enough. 

I do not need anyone.

I am enough on my own. 

Tea for one

 He told me I'm not his cup of tea. 

Makes sense...he doesn't drink tea.

Favourites

The smell of fresh linen, a scented candle of teak, oud and neroli combined, fresh Autumn mornings just after the rain, humid Summer evenings with the waft of Raat ki Rani, plucking a rose and knowing it'll smell like a rose should, Spring days near the Ocean, fairy lights in the garden and chasing a yellow Moon.

Again

 So then I'll pull away too and this friendship will die a slow death. There'll be less conversation, less talking and less laughter. Small joys won't be shared. 

It'll be over soon. 

Close your eyes Elly, 

It won't hurt this time. 

Deserve

 I will not allow sadness, insecurity and pain come into my heart. 

I will make sure I'm financially secure and my health is good. 

I will ensure that I'm safe. 

I deserve the best. I deserve happiness and love. 

I deserve love. 

Destroy

 When someone says to you "Have a nice life" after arguing with you, remove them from your life and then really have a nice life. You are your own scriptwriter, your own architect and your own manifestor. Destroy when needed, rebuild when necessary. 

Stars

 "What's this?"

"A downpour of stars. A constellation, a galaxy". 

"Just for me?"

"Well I don't see anyone else looking like a star tonight". 

Silence

Sometimes the only way I can talk to you is in silence.

That's when you'll hear the most.