6

I saw a photo where I am 6 yrs old. I'm sitting in it next to my Dadaji. 

I am looking at my face, my eyes, my smile and my posture. 

This little girl only knew how to laugh and play. She had no idea what turns in life would occur, who she would meet, marry, how many children she would have, what career path she'd take or how her heart would be broken again and again.

I look at her and I think, I owe her love and life. I owe her happiness. I owe her peace.

And that's what I  will do. 

It humbles me to know that my years ahead are much less in number than what I have behind me. 

And there's not much time left. 

To be sad, to be asking for something and not receiving it, to beg for bare minimum decency, is not right. This little girl wouldn't understand that.

 At 6yrs old, she spoke fluent Pothwari. She'd probably laugh and kick my ass right now. 

I owe her life. 

Heartbreak

 Heartbreak feels like your heart is going to come out of your chest.

Heartbreak is when you sob at night, but no sound comes out.

Heartbreak feels like when you hear that song, you remember the exact date, day and time and that special person, but now, you can't listen to that song anymore.

Heartbreak feels like recalling every word, everything they said and trying to work out if they meant it, and then trying to figure out how, why and when did things change.

Heartbreak feels like it is you alone in the world and although you have people around you, nobody knows what you are going through.

Fallen

Red. My heart. My blood. My lips.

Red. Scars. Seared. Sore.

Red. Change. Falling. Fallen.

Red. Rebirth. Focus. Renewal.

Forever

 I do not know if he ever did love me.

A part of me says that he did. I think he did.

Somewhere in my mind, every time he said something about it not being sustainable,

I prayed that I would know him forever. 

Because forevers do exist. I have seen them. The world has seen those loves.

The ones that no matter what, both gravitate back to each other.

Deep

Maybe it wasn’t planned, maybe it wasn’t the right time. 

Two eyes, deep as the sea. Eyes to drown in. Eyes to get lost in.

In those eyes you found happiness, your little corner of heaven 

and there was no better place than that.

Grey

"It's grey today, Elly. Cold and grey."

"You don't need to tell me that, I know. I can see it. I can feel it."

"Are you sad?"

"Yes. I am."

"I can tell. Today your eyes are grey too."

"There was so much left to say, and it will never be said now, or heard. So much emotion and feelings that just stopped. I'm tired of being misunderstood."

"How's your heart?"

"It's heavy, it's beating in muffled thuds, and it's bleeding. Takotsubo cardiomyopathy."

"What!? You're so dramatic!"

"It is broken."

Velvety

 Do you know what I adore about you? Do you know what I miss the most about you? 

It's your softness. 

I am not referring to your beautiful soft hands, your kissable lips or your smooth cheek. I am not talking about the softness of your beard. 

I am thinking about your soft nature, the one that doesn't like arguing or fights. The one that can't stay angry. The soft voice that reaches out in notes and has a lightness about it, with that little chuckle always at the end. 

I am referring to that softness that you exude that wraps around me like a hug. The softness that I crave to hear and have touch me.

That nature of yours that attracts me to you every time. 

It makes me realise how invaluable you are and how lucky I am. 

Prove it

 How will I know that he really, really does love me? 

He'll peel that anar for me. Oh yes he will! Damn hard that thing!

Fragments

It's all broken. The love. The home. The heart.